Percy and I had one of our very confused conversations the other day.  You know where he says something profound but not quite using the right words, I take it literally instead of guessing what he is on about and it all goes pear-shaped. The telephone cal went something like:

“Hello son did you see that me and Mo fixed the bridge to the lake?”  “Yes Percy, very nice job” (conversation, so far so good).  I asked, “How is Mo?”  “Well, he’s joined the Papworth  Paranoia Society”.  “Paranoia Society?”  “Yes he is one of their first members!”  I could hear Percy draw on his cigarette, it was one of those sort of deep thinking moments which gave me time to dwell on the news.  “Hmmm, I would have thought such people would be worried about meeting up? Percy!

“No, no son, they are interested in it” “Paranoia?” Percy?”.  “Yeess, look it’s  a bit scary, but meeting together helps calm them, especially if it is a bit dark in the places they visit to look at the paranoia”.  “They look at the paranoia?” “Yes sometimes they see things, very strange things” (another pause)  “Oh? Oh!  You mean paranormal,” I could tell Percy was a little annoyed “yes, paranoia, you dimalow”.

Thanks Percy.

It’s hard to believe but its true –

Some more of Percy’s profound pronunciation or is it ponceiations?

Heffalump                   Elephant

Lock-up                      After hours drinking

Galatico                     Those people that deliver car parts.

Constilation                Constitution

Spillatiism                  Spillratism

Lard Head                  Everyone that does not understand him

Eyaliator                     Alligator

Quiff Litchards            That bloke who sang ‘Summer Holidays’

Lycra                          A light aircraft

DVD                          A nasty rash

Nutcracker                 Percy’s sofa

Minky Muller              Rice in a small pot

Back to Top

Regular visitors to this page will know that I have difficulty at times understanding my old friend Percy.  He calls things by different names and has sayings that only really he understands.  The trouble is that he expects you to understand and when you don’t he looks at you in total distain and calls you things like dimalow.  Which really is not very nice.  Over the last three years to help everyone and thus avoid this embarrassment, which I have had to endure, I have explained a few of Percy’s little sayings.  Here are a few more.

Back to Top

Percy Goes Car Booting

I came across Percy the other day whilst bailiffing on the River Cam.  He was fishing up near the A14 Road Bridge.  We had probably one of the funniest conversations that I have had for a long time.  Here’s how it went.

As I approached Percy from along the towpath I could see his little dog Jimmy, so I called out as I usually do.  This usually results in the little rat scampering along the path tail wagging and him making this sort of grunting sound.  Today was no different, except I noticed something a little different in his approach.  Usually it’s at high speed and then when he gets to you he whizzes between your legs, leaps up and covers you in paw marks.  It was a kind of shimmer action, it happened twice as he approached me.  Like dropping one shoulder and wiggling his arse in a split second whilst running.  Anyway I suddenly forgot what I thought I saw when I reached Percy.  This is where it all went tits up.

Those of you that don’t know Percy or have not followed the stories I have told have to appreciate he can be very eloquent or Eli -cant as he would say.  Yes, much of what he has to say is brilliant and deeply thought.  It’s just that when he speaks his thoughts it’s difficult to understand him?  He has what we affectionately term “Percy Speak”.  Yes, if you put this with myself the conversation can and does become quite bizarre.   If you have ever seen the film “As Good As It Gets” then that’s me.  No, not the bloke with the dog but Jack Nicholson.  You see I often just don’t get it?

Percy did not greet me with the usual “Hello Son” but raised his fist and sort of shook it then did the same again except now with two fingers out from his clenched fist. He said, “Boom shaker Lakker, Whakker Dakker Knaker”.  “How are you old fellow?”  Now I know he pops in to this pub, which gets very smokey and I wondered if the intoxicating smell had had an effect, but no.

At this moment I looked down and again I’m sure the dog was acting kind of strange.  He was trying to chew on one of those skin chew slippers you get from pet shops complete with bow, yes! Why?  Surely just chuck the dog a bone – anyway as he was doing this he kind of positioned his paws as if he was posing for a calendar on a beach – sort of both paws together to one side of his little face.  How sweet, anyway, I said to Percy I was fine and went on to ask him how he was doing.

He told me he had been to the Car Boot Sale and got some funny videos of “Dat comedian, you know the one with the bandage round his head”.  I paused, looked to the sky and said to myself “Who the hell is he on about” but before I could question, Percy went off on one.  He said “Then I went to Disco Autoparts (Discount Autoparts) for some wiper blade windscreens(windscreen wiper blades) and some dust sheets(Hubcaps) but I left mesteaks”.  Now I’m doing the interpreter bit but definitely not up to speed.  “You left your dinner in the shop then Percy?”  He paused, turned to me and looked me up and down in a sideways fashion.  “Don’t laugh at me son,” he said.  He was in one of those moods and went on “I made mesteaks” “Rump or Sirloin Percy?”  Now this really did it “Look mesteaks you know boobs”  “Breasts? Breasts Percy?”  He turned to me once more; Jimmy scampered off “you taking the piss son”?  “No honestly Percy “you had some steaks but they were breasts?  Oh, oh, you mean you made a mistake in the shop!  Percy at this stage did not even reply he just shook his head.

O.k, so you may say what is this to do with fishing and why bother to tell us.  To me thought there is more to fishing than hauling in huge catches of fish; it’s about friendships and little events that become fond memories. Through fishing I have made some very good friends and had some laughs along the way.  So forgive me if on this site we don’t at times get too serious because after all we are the “Jolly Anglers”.

Back to Top

Oh no, oh yes Percy is thinking of visiting America again, which reminds me of some of his funny speak.

Histon rec to me - Hysterectomy

Go faster - About 40mph

Thesaurus - That shop which sells kids toys

Third - Next after second but not after fourth

Dum De Dum's - Size DD

Tarantella - A big spider

Get one free by one two - Buy one get one free

Whitpee - That place up North

Have you seen Percy’s van lately? Well, it’s passed its MOT but quite how nobody knows. Rumour has it that it’s so untidy inside that the mice are clawing to get out!

One day last summer Percy’s bait lid was not on properly and all of his maggots made a bid for freedom. There is so much stuff in the back that Percy did not realise this had happened.

A week later Percy and his mate George went to get into the van but as they opened the hatchback there was this deep buzzing sound as a swarm of Blue Bottles escaped out of the back. For a couple of weeks after this event the odd escape would fly around the inside of the vehicle. This did not bother Percy but drove Jimmy dog wild as he tried to catch and eat them!

At our last meeting Percy told us a joke I can’t really repeat it except to say that it was to do with that drug that helps a bloke’s sex drive. The only trouble was that Percy said Niagra and therefore it took us a while for us to get the joke.

Back to Top

Percy In America - Part Two

Our Percy went all over the place on his trip to the U.S.  “15,000 miles” to be precise.  He met many interesting people and saw some fantastic sights in this magnificent land.

He tells me he became quite fluent in some of the local dialects and people really took to him, not exactly showering him with gifts but showing their affection to our Codshead.

On visiting China Town Percy was quick to learn the language.  Here are just a few of Percy-speaks:

That’s not right                                   Sum ting wong

Small horse                                        Tai nipo ni

I think you need a facelift                    Chin tu fat

Staying out of sight                             Lei ying lo

This is a tow away zone                      No pah king

Since his return, his poor little dog Jimmy has had to learn some of these new Percy-speaks.  The other day when Percy was describing his trip I honestly saw the poor little fellow cover his ears with his paws.

O.k. so what’s this all to do with fishing? Well yes I would agree, but it is also about whom you fish with and the characters you come across.  The benefit of angling is that you can do your own thing but if you prefer meet up with fellow anglers.

This is why when I am bailiffing I look out for Percy and his little dog and walk the other way!!

Back to Top

Percy In America

Yes its true, our Percy in the U.S.  This cannot be but yes Codshead made it.  He’s seen all the sights and now has returned!

When we all first heard of Percy’s proposed visit to the magnificent land we could not quite believe it.

Texas and the Rockies were mentioned.  I suppose now on reflection these areas of America would suit our Percy but it has been all a bit too difficult to take in.

Three weeks away – what a super break for our intrepid explorer, a break for his brother, Jimmy Dog and us all!  Some cynics did wonder whether he would make it through the U.S. Customs but this was just a malicious rumour.  You know picture the scene “I’m Percy from England”!

I hope to learn of many fascinating stories from Percy over the next month or so and will publish them on this site.  In the meantime I thought I would just set the scene with some America’s Percy-Speak (Allegedly)